disabled

last night i was sitting with my friends and we had a discussion that really got to me.

at the time, i didnt feel like arguing what they were saying. it was 3 against 1. and i didnt want to make a fool out of myself in attempt to make a good argument.

to be honest. i didnt want to argue about something so close to me.
i didnt feel like we were all on the same page. and i knew it would hurt me more.

the conversation topic started as abortion.
i am against it. and honestly.. im not going to get into that.. becuase that is not the focus of this thing.

anyways.. we then got on the discussion topic of aborting a child if they had a disibility. To end a childs life, becuase they have a mental or physically difference from what is considered normals.
and this got me. it hit me hard.

this summer i worked closely with children who lived their lives with a disibilty. Some things were harder for them, but some things came easily. They were entirely unique and loving and full of life. They were challangeing, and at times, you had enough, but... you found that in every child. The end result was this beatiful relationship. These children.. when i was writing about it the night before, just brough me to tears. They were... amazing. and a gift from god. a gift that we learned from, a gift that those around them were blessed to experiance. they were amazing.

i truly think that families that are blessed with these children are capable of loving their child the way that they need to be loved, the way that any child needs to be loved. God knows the hearts of the parents and knows their capabilities. more than that... he offers strength.

Another thing that camp up "There are so many children in the world... why would you bring another child in.."
its so true tho. there are so many other children in the world. but i feel that it is very far from related to a reason FOR having an abortion. it it entirely different.

What are we doing about these children? the children that are in foster care or that wait in an adoption home. not alot. i feel so strongly towards this. it pulls at my heart.
these children need love. its not to say we stop having children.. to focus on these kids. but we need to be responsible. we need to take action to love on others. love on others but ourselves.

i then got thinking about how this could really... effect me.
what about all of us?! we see these children and people with mental and physical challanges. and we all know they are effected by it. it is evident. but what about us?
all of us have a different struggle. one that is hidden. weather it is drugs, alchol, sex, disobediance, lying. whatever. we are all struggling with our own personal dissabilites. we are the exact same.


it just hit me really hard.
and i need to sort this out.

Colleen

10:27

i have been talking to a friend of mine for the past 30 minutes.
and i have been really touched by our conversation.

we are talking about what we use to hide who we are.
and pressure.
and just not feeling okay. or happy. or feeling affirmation, that we all search for in our lives.

ive really discovered that i can easily slip into the space where it is so easy to just... push people away. i make funny and snarky/mean jokes. and i just... try to stay away from the point.
and i close my heart to everyone. because i dont NEED to let people in.

i want, so desperately, to get away from this.

i want to invite people in. and be gentle. and.. loving. and.. just. vanurable. i will allow people to hurt me, if that get one glimpse at the lover of my soul.
thats all.

i know ive probably written this before.
but. thats where im at.

Colleen

found.

this really touched me today.
listen to the lyrics.

reflect.
let it be what it will to your heart.

Colleen.

holy weekend.

okay. this weekend was so great.
im going to write about it in one word sentences.

hold on to your hats!


friday


sleeping.homework.write and play guitar. bens house. doll's name is sister. write music. listen to tunes. hangout. acoustic. . terrible music punishment. pizza pizza. late. best kiss argument. run to school. FREEZING. hellogoodbye. see old friends. stood behind counter. slide show worked. custodian broom leg. haha. got home. sleep.


saturday.

wake. work 10-3. good shift. canadian tire is so dry. static electricity. christmas sales. finish work. change in car. drive to markham. did a circle around the house. old friends. camp fire. huge hug. seriously sugar tea. melting golf balls. chocolate on ground. black graham cracker. laughing. no jobin until next summer. so excited for him. blankets. smores. inside. pictures. shocked faces. HIV... baha. smiles. man love. enter erika's dad. clean. sparkling juice. hugs. car. changing channels. gas station. frisbee. telephone booth. tim hortons. 2 cookies. warm drinks. cop cars. great conversation. laughs. outside. freezing fingers. pictures. set timer. run. fall down hill. jump. blurry. fake car. drive thru. black and white. soulja boy. dancing. hugs. goodbyes. driving. matts car. soulja boy. screaming. car wash. jumping. white background. guy getting pop. car vaccum. emo shots. school parking lot. leaving car. matts room. musical setup. hot chocolate. creepy puppet. plans. matts mom. goodbyes.


sunday.

wake up. church. sing. talk. sit. lunch. funeral sandwhiches. cake. laugh. leave. homework. 4:30. talking with Mr. Blackman. pumping music when justine gets out of work. laughing. go station. BUYING tickets. waiting. brandon arrives. did NOT buy ticket. cold platform. train. Chris Vezeau. talking on train. catching up. up stairs. brandon's music. ticket check. uhoh. gets out of it. arrive. white hot chocolate. mmmm. leave union. walking. freezing. cold wind. line up. find dave, dave and connor. find tyson and steve. hugs. get in. coat check. meeting up with people. metro station. techno. looked with rosa. fun music. Anberlin. incrediable. so music. too short. mae. dissapointing. love this band. all this new music. bah. loved the old stuff. talking with steve and tyson. Motion City Soundtrack. so much dancing. Dave Tysoe is amazing. brandon williams can dance. laughing so hard. no idea what we are listening to. pictures. hugs. leave. we leave. walk to subway. catch up with cole. subway. subway 2. subway 3. waiting outside for stupid train. in and out of hypotherima. no train. bus to mall. walk through mall. weird and sweet. cry ride. car ride 2. home at 1:30. fall into bed.


what a weekend!

where ive been

this weekend was hard.
and i dont want to get past it.
ive thought about it. ive written about it. ive acknowledge it.
and im letting it go.

im really excited for this week.
and to be honest, there is not alot coming up.
but i feel like there is going to be alot of opportunity.
and. im not sure. im happy.


recently ive been download alot of John Mayer.
ive always loved his work. but... listening to his new stuff.
for where i am right now in my life. its so perfect.
He is so honest with his words. and hes not flashy. hes just... him.
and thats really cool to me.

i want to make music like that.
that really shows people my heart. and that really opens me up.
i think im going to really chase after that. and start working on some stuff.

ive been talking to a friend of mine lately. and they have really showed me alot.
they are aware of whats going on around them.
and they care about who they are... and what they, and other people are going through.
i feel challanged and really accpeted when i talk to them.
i see God really... i dunno, supplying this friendship.
very cool.

alright. i think ive filled my quota of happy.
deeper thoughts to come later.
smile.

for a moment.

a moment hit me awhile ago, but ive been too busy to write about it.
Which is really discouraging to me. my life is full of school work, a part time job, and my own challanges and the struggles of my friends.
ive found this week that there has been alot that has hit me. Made me really think about my faith, and really examining my friendships.

and in all of this chaos. i didnt write about this moment.
this moment where i saw real truth.

i dont know why it hit me so hard. but it did. so bare with me.
i was sitting in tap class, and a girl was telling her friend about what she had done on the weekend and the consequences of her choices.
She laughed it off, and enjoyed the attention of telling her story, but then something happened.
She pulled up a chair at my table and sat down. she stared at the board for a minute, and on her face, she looked like she was processing a thought.
and her face just changed. her eyes lost their life.
she didnt smile. and something about it real hurt. her happiness gone.
it was this single moment where she knew this wasnt really her.
that it was easier to live a distructive life, then to face her own struggle and hurt.
her emotion was so raw, as if she hoped people would see her brokenness; expect it and take it for what it was. no questions asked.

that moments hit me.
as i walked out of homeroom... all i could think was "what just happened. what will happen?"

there is so much more going on behind the wall that we so easily put up, to hide our real, not so perfect, not very exciting, not so pretty emotion. We want people to be able to laugh with us, and get a rise out of our mistakes, even though what we have done truly hurts us.
and its so easy to get stuck in this kind of life.

the outside does not match up with the inside. Outside we smile. we make jokes, we hurt ourselves in a longing to be loved; with this hope to be accpeted for who we really are, but knowing that people wouldnt know what to do with it.
When really, inside we are sad. there is a hole that the "nicest guy", the largest sum of alchol, or our foolish choices cannot fill. These things temporarily numb our pain, and make us feel okay; okay about our pain, okay about our choices, okay about our future, for only just for one moment.
There is so much going on in the most hidden parts of our soul, but we become to scared to unconver our real selves. We can let ourselves bring our true emotion to the table, because we are scared that people will see it, and hurt us, or abandon us.

all of this is so painful.
and it can go away.
There is someone that delights and LOVES you so much. He wants to take away your pain. He sees where you are broken, he knows the depths of your heart and he longs for a relationship with you; you who are broken, or faking it or tired of living a pointless life.
He doesnt change his mind about you. He doesnt stop loving you. and whatever you do cant make him love you more or less then he already does.
he will NEVER abandon you.
He knows your real heart, and it isnt to dirty, or broken for him. He gives the affirmation that you cannot find in any boy, any girl or any friend. He brings joy that no amount of alchol can supply.

you dont need to work for this.
you just need to accept it.

empty handed but alive in your hands

ive realized something this weekend.
this weekend i was at Acquire the Fire, in Hamilton, and for bascially the entire conference i was feeling discouraged. Everything that the speaker spoke about had no depth. i wasnt feeling challanged, bascially everything that i saw, sang and heard didnt connect with me. I was feeling really dry.
The theme of the conference was "Let Your Voice Be Heard". I think this theme was a really great idea, but its hard to grow with the theme. It was more like a step-by-step manual on getting your voice heard, and speaking out for your generation. I guess that i was going into the weekend looking for something different.
Regardless, what a beautiful idea! Many of us struggle with an overload of emotion inside of us, in the deepest parts of our souls, but negelect to let that come out, because it is not what is seen as "right" or "acceptable" for society. The theme was encouraging because it told believers how to express who they are, and the mighty God they serve.

Nevertheless, what i was hearing (before i was able to relate it to my own life), was challanging for me to learn from. Before the weekend i had a discussion with a close friend of mine, and he told me that he felt God was going to work in me this weekend. That he just felt God presences, and that it was going to be strong in my life. So, honestly, i did have expectations. But my expectations did not match up with what God had in mind.

During the weekend, there were two things that got me the most. The drama, and the last prayer that we did at the whole event. After seeing the drama, my life came into focus, and i realized that i have a purpose on earth, and it isnt of my own choice. Its Gods will for my life. That face, in itself, is a scary thought, but after seeing the skit, i was able to challange who i was, and how i acted towards the people that God so dearly loves, but that the world casts aside.This weekend i was challanged to change who i am. and to REALIZE that who i am, is not ME, but it is God in me. I am not defined by my talents, or where ive been, or what ive done. None of that matters in the big picture of things. and when we stress ourselves over the small things, to find popularity, affirmation in things other then God and happiness, we are left empty.
This weekend challanged me to live every moment to serve God. Our conversations with others, a smile in the hall, or just giving someone assurace that they are accepted, can have a bigger impact than what anyone would expect. That is how i want to live my life; earnestly seeking god, and loving others.

So that is why i have this blog. To share with everyone my thoughts, and my challanges and the brokeness that i experiance. Some days it will be silly and all over the place, but overall i want it to be a reflection of where i am at and how i am being changed. My prayer is that this can be honest, and that it not only challanges myself, but also readers, to be who they are HONESTLY called to be.

let see where this takes us.