for a moment.

a moment hit me awhile ago, but ive been too busy to write about it.
Which is really discouraging to me. my life is full of school work, a part time job, and my own challanges and the struggles of my friends.
ive found this week that there has been alot that has hit me. Made me really think about my faith, and really examining my friendships.

and in all of this chaos. i didnt write about this moment.
this moment where i saw real truth.

i dont know why it hit me so hard. but it did. so bare with me.
i was sitting in tap class, and a girl was telling her friend about what she had done on the weekend and the consequences of her choices.
She laughed it off, and enjoyed the attention of telling her story, but then something happened.
She pulled up a chair at my table and sat down. she stared at the board for a minute, and on her face, she looked like she was processing a thought.
and her face just changed. her eyes lost their life.
she didnt smile. and something about it real hurt. her happiness gone.
it was this single moment where she knew this wasnt really her.
that it was easier to live a distructive life, then to face her own struggle and hurt.
her emotion was so raw, as if she hoped people would see her brokenness; expect it and take it for what it was. no questions asked.

that moments hit me.
as i walked out of homeroom... all i could think was "what just happened. what will happen?"

there is so much more going on behind the wall that we so easily put up, to hide our real, not so perfect, not very exciting, not so pretty emotion. We want people to be able to laugh with us, and get a rise out of our mistakes, even though what we have done truly hurts us.
and its so easy to get stuck in this kind of life.

the outside does not match up with the inside. Outside we smile. we make jokes, we hurt ourselves in a longing to be loved; with this hope to be accpeted for who we really are, but knowing that people wouldnt know what to do with it.
When really, inside we are sad. there is a hole that the "nicest guy", the largest sum of alchol, or our foolish choices cannot fill. These things temporarily numb our pain, and make us feel okay; okay about our pain, okay about our choices, okay about our future, for only just for one moment.
There is so much going on in the most hidden parts of our soul, but we become to scared to unconver our real selves. We can let ourselves bring our true emotion to the table, because we are scared that people will see it, and hurt us, or abandon us.

all of this is so painful.
and it can go away.
There is someone that delights and LOVES you so much. He wants to take away your pain. He sees where you are broken, he knows the depths of your heart and he longs for a relationship with you; you who are broken, or faking it or tired of living a pointless life.
He doesnt change his mind about you. He doesnt stop loving you. and whatever you do cant make him love you more or less then he already does.
he will NEVER abandon you.
He knows your real heart, and it isnt to dirty, or broken for him. He gives the affirmation that you cannot find in any boy, any girl or any friend. He brings joy that no amount of alchol can supply.

you dont need to work for this.
you just need to accept it.