tower over me

Keep me safe inside.
Your arms like towers, Tower over me.
'Cause we are broken.What must we do to restore,
Our innocence, And all the promise we adored?
Give us life again,'Cause we just wanna be whole

these words have been powerful to me.
they make me want to just fall to my knees.
Its from a song "We are Broken" by Paramore.

i found out stuff today.
and i guess it broke me. feeling really helpless.
i have so much to say to you. and im silent.
i just need to be there. i know my place.
and live for hope. that you will supply.

"your arms like towers, tower over me"
there is great comfort in great brokeness.
there is great power, in the most tired weakness.

"But nothing can heal like the touch of Jesus in someone's life."
Kyle Zavitz.

i love the sun

my room has this huge window in it.
and the sun goes down on my window's side of the house.
and i get to enjoy the last bit of sun as it brings the day to a close.
right now. snow is being thrown around by the wind, but the sun, it just creates beauty.
and the sun never really changes.
it is always there. it may come and leave at different times.
but it symbolizes time.
the same sun that warms our faces in the winter, will be tucked away behind the clouds during the fresh rain in spring.
that same sun will highlight the beauty of nature in the summer and will escape to allow the tress to embrace their fall colours.

i love the sun for that reason.
it is there. highlighting the best and worst in our lives.

and the creator of the universe gave us the sun.
to keep us moving, encouraged about the future and warm.

i love the sun.

in light of everything

these past few days have been hard.
i have been upset. i have been lonely. basically all over the place.
i cant focus. i dont know what i need to go.
i just felt like i was standing still, while everyone and everything moved past me and around me.
and its an overwhelming feeling. the feeling of being stuck.
unsure what my next should should be.
and its been hard.

alot of stuff has hit me hard.. all at once.
and i wasnt ready for it. and i wasnt expecting it.
i have been really happy. ive been feeling really blessed and at peace... so all of the stress and emotional strain hit pretty hard.

i came to God with it. i gave it to him.
i could talk to as many people as i want to about it.
i could ask for support. but nothing is like the grace and deliverance of god.
he supplied alot of peace. and im so thankful for that.
in light of all of the pain that i was feeling.. he was there.
and he took away what i could not take away myself.

Today i went for a walk. just to clear my head and fill my lungs with some winter air.
i was so taken aback by my walk.
as i walked through the nature area i was really taken given time to think.
all of the leaves where gone. the pond was frozen, just on top.
everything was just in the very fragile and raw state.
i could see through all of the tress. everything was very exposed.

and... isnt it like that with our relationship with God.
like trees, we have stuff that cover us from god; our pride, our pain, our addiction, whatever it is... just like leaves on a tree.
but in these moments.. where we experiance brokeness, where we are unable to support ourselves.. we are become completely bare and god see's all of us.
and thats when he can heal us. we cant hide ourselves.. and thats when god touches our hearts.
i am just feeling so filled, despite times of stress.

i am incapable, but the lover of my soul is capable. and i can rest.

life.

im listening to Hungry by Joy Williams.
and i just read a blog by a close friend of mine.
and it just... pulled something in my heart. this real truth. something that was very real in my own life, but i just hadn't realized.

this past weekend i was at my camp.
and i was home. not home in brooklin.
i was just home. i was at peace.

that place is such an escape.
a place that lets you just become the raw person that god created you to be.
and i feel so myself there.

these people just surround you. and love you.
not the cheap kind of love. the heart on msn love.
this love, where they will sit with you and listen to every word you say.
that they will tease you, and make you feel cared for.
the love that is so evident when they smile at you. and so genuine.

they bring out the best in me. and thats so cliche.
but its true.
i can say the dumbest things. and its okay.
they laugh. and take me for this thing that i am.

i dont have to create myself. i have no image to unhold. no expectations to meet.
they see me in the eyes that christ sees me. and its just...
its incrediable. and im so thankful for that.
i have learned how to love. and how to be patient. and how to be weak. and how you be strengthed.


its a glimpse of heaven.
a place after life, that i, who am completely undeserving, will experiance.
and that gives me hope.

disabled

last night i was sitting with my friends and we had a discussion that really got to me.

at the time, i didnt feel like arguing what they were saying. it was 3 against 1. and i didnt want to make a fool out of myself in attempt to make a good argument.

to be honest. i didnt want to argue about something so close to me.
i didnt feel like we were all on the same page. and i knew it would hurt me more.

the conversation topic started as abortion.
i am against it. and honestly.. im not going to get into that.. becuase that is not the focus of this thing.

anyways.. we then got on the discussion topic of aborting a child if they had a disibility. To end a childs life, becuase they have a mental or physically difference from what is considered normals.
and this got me. it hit me hard.

this summer i worked closely with children who lived their lives with a disibilty. Some things were harder for them, but some things came easily. They were entirely unique and loving and full of life. They were challangeing, and at times, you had enough, but... you found that in every child. The end result was this beatiful relationship. These children.. when i was writing about it the night before, just brough me to tears. They were... amazing. and a gift from god. a gift that we learned from, a gift that those around them were blessed to experiance. they were amazing.

i truly think that families that are blessed with these children are capable of loving their child the way that they need to be loved, the way that any child needs to be loved. God knows the hearts of the parents and knows their capabilities. more than that... he offers strength.

Another thing that camp up "There are so many children in the world... why would you bring another child in.."
its so true tho. there are so many other children in the world. but i feel that it is very far from related to a reason FOR having an abortion. it it entirely different.

What are we doing about these children? the children that are in foster care or that wait in an adoption home. not alot. i feel so strongly towards this. it pulls at my heart.
these children need love. its not to say we stop having children.. to focus on these kids. but we need to be responsible. we need to take action to love on others. love on others but ourselves.

i then got thinking about how this could really... effect me.
what about all of us?! we see these children and people with mental and physical challanges. and we all know they are effected by it. it is evident. but what about us?
all of us have a different struggle. one that is hidden. weather it is drugs, alchol, sex, disobediance, lying. whatever. we are all struggling with our own personal dissabilites. we are the exact same.


it just hit me really hard.
and i need to sort this out.

Colleen

10:27

i have been talking to a friend of mine for the past 30 minutes.
and i have been really touched by our conversation.

we are talking about what we use to hide who we are.
and pressure.
and just not feeling okay. or happy. or feeling affirmation, that we all search for in our lives.

ive really discovered that i can easily slip into the space where it is so easy to just... push people away. i make funny and snarky/mean jokes. and i just... try to stay away from the point.
and i close my heart to everyone. because i dont NEED to let people in.

i want, so desperately, to get away from this.

i want to invite people in. and be gentle. and.. loving. and.. just. vanurable. i will allow people to hurt me, if that get one glimpse at the lover of my soul.
thats all.

i know ive probably written this before.
but. thats where im at.

Colleen

found.

this really touched me today.
listen to the lyrics.

reflect.
let it be what it will to your heart.

Colleen.