for a moment.

a moment hit me awhile ago, but ive been too busy to write about it.
Which is really discouraging to me. my life is full of school work, a part time job, and my own challanges and the struggles of my friends.
ive found this week that there has been alot that has hit me. Made me really think about my faith, and really examining my friendships.

and in all of this chaos. i didnt write about this moment.
this moment where i saw real truth.

i dont know why it hit me so hard. but it did. so bare with me.
i was sitting in tap class, and a girl was telling her friend about what she had done on the weekend and the consequences of her choices.
She laughed it off, and enjoyed the attention of telling her story, but then something happened.
She pulled up a chair at my table and sat down. she stared at the board for a minute, and on her face, she looked like she was processing a thought.
and her face just changed. her eyes lost their life.
she didnt smile. and something about it real hurt. her happiness gone.
it was this single moment where she knew this wasnt really her.
that it was easier to live a distructive life, then to face her own struggle and hurt.
her emotion was so raw, as if she hoped people would see her brokenness; expect it and take it for what it was. no questions asked.

that moments hit me.
as i walked out of homeroom... all i could think was "what just happened. what will happen?"

there is so much more going on behind the wall that we so easily put up, to hide our real, not so perfect, not very exciting, not so pretty emotion. We want people to be able to laugh with us, and get a rise out of our mistakes, even though what we have done truly hurts us.
and its so easy to get stuck in this kind of life.

the outside does not match up with the inside. Outside we smile. we make jokes, we hurt ourselves in a longing to be loved; with this hope to be accpeted for who we really are, but knowing that people wouldnt know what to do with it.
When really, inside we are sad. there is a hole that the "nicest guy", the largest sum of alchol, or our foolish choices cannot fill. These things temporarily numb our pain, and make us feel okay; okay about our pain, okay about our choices, okay about our future, for only just for one moment.
There is so much going on in the most hidden parts of our soul, but we become to scared to unconver our real selves. We can let ourselves bring our true emotion to the table, because we are scared that people will see it, and hurt us, or abandon us.

all of this is so painful.
and it can go away.
There is someone that delights and LOVES you so much. He wants to take away your pain. He sees where you are broken, he knows the depths of your heart and he longs for a relationship with you; you who are broken, or faking it or tired of living a pointless life.
He doesnt change his mind about you. He doesnt stop loving you. and whatever you do cant make him love you more or less then he already does.
he will NEVER abandon you.
He knows your real heart, and it isnt to dirty, or broken for him. He gives the affirmation that you cannot find in any boy, any girl or any friend. He brings joy that no amount of alchol can supply.

you dont need to work for this.
you just need to accept it.

empty handed but alive in your hands

ive realized something this weekend.
this weekend i was at Acquire the Fire, in Hamilton, and for bascially the entire conference i was feeling discouraged. Everything that the speaker spoke about had no depth. i wasnt feeling challanged, bascially everything that i saw, sang and heard didnt connect with me. I was feeling really dry.
The theme of the conference was "Let Your Voice Be Heard". I think this theme was a really great idea, but its hard to grow with the theme. It was more like a step-by-step manual on getting your voice heard, and speaking out for your generation. I guess that i was going into the weekend looking for something different.
Regardless, what a beautiful idea! Many of us struggle with an overload of emotion inside of us, in the deepest parts of our souls, but negelect to let that come out, because it is not what is seen as "right" or "acceptable" for society. The theme was encouraging because it told believers how to express who they are, and the mighty God they serve.

Nevertheless, what i was hearing (before i was able to relate it to my own life), was challanging for me to learn from. Before the weekend i had a discussion with a close friend of mine, and he told me that he felt God was going to work in me this weekend. That he just felt God presences, and that it was going to be strong in my life. So, honestly, i did have expectations. But my expectations did not match up with what God had in mind.

During the weekend, there were two things that got me the most. The drama, and the last prayer that we did at the whole event. After seeing the drama, my life came into focus, and i realized that i have a purpose on earth, and it isnt of my own choice. Its Gods will for my life. That face, in itself, is a scary thought, but after seeing the skit, i was able to challange who i was, and how i acted towards the people that God so dearly loves, but that the world casts aside.This weekend i was challanged to change who i am. and to REALIZE that who i am, is not ME, but it is God in me. I am not defined by my talents, or where ive been, or what ive done. None of that matters in the big picture of things. and when we stress ourselves over the small things, to find popularity, affirmation in things other then God and happiness, we are left empty.
This weekend challanged me to live every moment to serve God. Our conversations with others, a smile in the hall, or just giving someone assurace that they are accepted, can have a bigger impact than what anyone would expect. That is how i want to live my life; earnestly seeking god, and loving others.

So that is why i have this blog. To share with everyone my thoughts, and my challanges and the brokeness that i experiance. Some days it will be silly and all over the place, but overall i want it to be a reflection of where i am at and how i am being changed. My prayer is that this can be honest, and that it not only challanges myself, but also readers, to be who they are HONESTLY called to be.

let see where this takes us.